I know I haven't posted in a while.
To be honest I didn't want to anymore, well I did, but I felt like it was unnecessary.
I feel unnecessary.
I have a job now, I want to go to college and study and I just feel like I won't be able to anymore. I have an older brother. Everyone is so proud of him. He got a scholarship, I didn't. He has a car, I don't. My mom helped him pay many things, not me.
I don't want to feel selfish or jealous but I do. I feel like crap. It's like I only exist when they actually need me. "Oh? Big bro too tired to take you to the store? Let's tell Maria to take us." or " Big bro too tired to fix a light bulb? Let Maria do it." I know it might sound pitiful but it all builds up in me, for example, whenever I need something I have to fix it myself or they get irritated if I ask them for help. Why? Why do they get so mad at the simplest of things but I can't get mad with them.
I told them about my blogging work more than five times and every time they say it's something stupid. That I'm wasting my time because there's no way I'm going to make something out of this. To me it's something so special though. Knowing that someone can read this it makes me feel better. I have so many projects in mind and they don't realize that 90% of the time I don't do it because I'm helping them out.
Well I'm done ranting...I think. So far I have the worst luck ever. I bought myself a graphic tablet with my first paycheck because I knew it'd be a good investment. I would have more possibilities in enhancing my drawing skills and guess what happened? My computer broke down the day I received it so I can't even use it. It's just been sitting there in a corner of my room. *sigh* Now I have to pay to get my iPod fixed because without it I can't take pictures and I have to buy a whole new desktop computer because no one else is going to buy it for me. How in the world am I going to save up enough to go to college by January. Wish me luck, btw I have a nice post coming closer. I believe it'll be nice if I do it by this Sunday or Tuesday that is coming up.
Hey Maria,
ReplyDeleteIt's been a while, and we have both had a lot on our plates.
I know exactly how you feel, being told to do stuff without complaining about it, and how when it is written down it just looks like small stuff, a little thing here or there. But after it all piles up, I know it builds inside.
I had a break down today, I was just lying in bed thinking to myself, and then all of a sudden I had to cry. I pulled myself out of bed and went and huddled in my closet. Luckily nobody noticed, but I feel that at the end of the day, everybody has to have somebody to talk to, and something to work on alone. Whenever life becomes too much to handle for me, I like to walk.
I realized today that I need to change, but I really don't want to. If I want to keep up with what I am supposed to, I need to change my ways. That hit me hard. I have had my habits for the past 10 years, and I am supposed to just change now. I really don't want to, but I also know that if I don't change, I will fail and lose everything that I have been working towards so far. It's stressful, and I wish that I had taken peoples advice more seriously when I went into it, because now I am behind the curve and struggling to catch up.
I hope that you are still surviving, I wish that I could help you. But all I can do is talk to you, so I hope that that helps.
-- Kyle
Hello Kyle,
DeleteI want to start this off by saying that you have no idea how much just you answering me period is a great help. It always makes me smile knowing you're commenting like always. Honestly I wish I knew what you're going through right now and see if I could help some, and hey? It's okay to cry to yourself alone sometimes, I know I do too. I know what you mean on the changing part although sometimes I feel there is no need to change if the way you are is what has gotten you so far. I am still surviving, thank you for worrying. It's funny how sometimes I feel closer to you than my own friends. The problems of not being very social with them, I always feel like they would judge me if I even told them about my blog. So thank you a lot for being there for me, you have no idea how much I appreciate that. Especially right now.
-Thank you, Maria