Friendship Problem

*Sigh* I need advice. Some really good advice. I have no idea what to do anymore and like I've mentioned before I feel like I kill things off most of the time.

My childhood friend is still mad at me.

I'm honestly still mad at him. Everything is making me so frustrated. For example, I know that if I were to apologize he'd probably still hold a grudge and things would be awkward. I guess I should mention the whole story so ya'll won't be lost in reading this.

So here it is:

I have a two childhood friends (one female and one male), a boyfriend, and a few other friends I made in high school. We were always making plans together to go someplace or another. Well one day I decided I wanted to hang out with my friends but since I don't get money from anywhere I believed it to be nicer if it were someplace where we could cook the food and watch a movie. So I decided for that place to be at my boyfriend's house. The problem was that even though I asked him permission to bring friends over at his place he didn't like the idea of the number of friends that were going to end up going. Yep, he got upset with me. Naturally like any other girl trying to fix the problem, I canceled. I thought maybe we could just change the date and go somewhere else in order for me to afford to go somewhere else. So we did. We had a day planned for us to all spend time together. I was actually really excited because I never really had friends to go to places with so I made sure I did my homework the day before.
So I'm sitting here in my room, doing my homework, and reading the messages they were posting on our group chat.
I decided not to answer back because I knew that if I did I would end up getting distracted. Getting distracted while trying to do homework is so hard to me.
Well anyways, they're chatting and all of a sudden my female childhood friend sent a message that caught my attention. It said that I might not even go to the meet up because I was going to meet up with my boyfriend at his house to cook.
My male childhood friend instantly started with some crap like "Oh yeah, "cook" :|"
Only one friend jumped in to my rescue saying, "Well maybe it's just for their alone time, I don't think they'll be there the whole time."
To which my female friend answered, "...yeah." And my male childhood friend answered with, "Well we can go without them."
That's when things went downhill. I decided to not answer them although I was reading everything. I was so curious of what they would say next. And indeed they made plans without us. Like gee thanks for taking my invitation, throwing it in the trash, then leave me out of yours. So I ended up not going anywhere the next day but to my boyfriends house to have a LONG talk, he apologized and everything but seriously nothing clears up with an apology apparently. I started getting mad for sooo many reasons that I can say at any point to defend myself. Here's a list of why I was pissed:

1. My boyfriend didn't tell me he had told my friend about this. (Yes I did agree to go cook, we had a whole meal planned! But it surely didn't mean I wanted to be there the whole time. I actually wanted to spend time with my friends.)
2. They're intentions were totally wrong! I hate when people make assumptions. Like I already have people judging me, I don't think I need my friends judging me either.
3. My boyfriend never cleared it up.
4. I apologized to my male childhood friend if I offended him after I noticed he was mad and he told me it didn't matter and to forget about it. Right afterwards he went and got all mad at my female friend who honestly felt terrible afterwards. Like no, you don't tell me to forget about it and then go get mad at someone innocent. I'm sorry but the world doesn't revolve around you. So I completely ignored him after that.
5. Now I feel frustrated because I feel guilty as hell and my female friend is trying to fix things between him and me. Today she made a new group chat after he deleted us off of his and she added everyone in it again. Guess who was the first person to get out of it? Yep, it was him.

It's obvious things aren't going so good so far. The worst part is a lot of my friends don't like my male childhood friend because of this and the damage is done. Somehow I feel like I took part in this friendship breaking up.

I feel even lonelier without him though..

It's bad enough I already felt lonely.

By the way, if you ever have a problem I'm here to help! Don't be afraid to ask me for advice or intake in something.

Prom 2015!

Guess what guys? I graduate this year! I'm finally going to graduate from my high school at the age of 17. It's been a long time that I've had to wake up at 5:00 A.M everyday. I believe my school is the only one that makes the buses come pick us up at 6:10 A.M. and starts at 7:30 A.M everyday. 

Ain't nobody got time for that!

So I'm in my Senior year and of course at this point in your life most teenage girls are thinking about one thing and one thing only... and that's prom!

Well, I never wanted to go to my prom to be honest. I'm not a party girl as much say. The latest I've ever been out of home has been at around 6:00 p.m. I decided to have a reunion with friends and do something else! Well...most of my friends got mad at me and I didn't know what to do so they didn't end up going. I still feel miserable about it till today. Well this post was meant to be the day of prom which was on May 16, 2015, but I didn't get some pictures till today. And I mean come on, who would like this post without pictures?

So here's the first three!

I know I'm not the cutest thing, but I've realized I should stop hiding my smile because it made me even more self-conscience. I feel it's best to just smile even though it's not the cutest thing and I've always been bullied because of it. 

It's not like I could have avoided it anyways with him there next to me. /.\. It's corny but I can't help but smile around him and I love seeing that pearly white smile he has all the time. The way he looks so softly and innocently into my eyes makes me realize how lucky I am to be with him. Yes, my boyfriend was my #promdate. We had a great time taking thousands of pictures. Aren't we just like the weirdest couple? 

No we did not end up matching for the pics but that's not the important part. And for the jokes and so I won't be the only one looking stupid, he actually forgot to change his shoes because he locked himself out and his bro out of his bro's room. 

I guess he was nervous? Nah, I doubt it.

He says I'm short but he's pretty short for an 18 year old guy. By the way I am wearing high heels, they're just not that tall. His smile is the best, and I kind of look like the oddball but at least I made him feel some real weight on his shoulders. (eh you see what I did there? No? Okay.)

We had a water gun fight back at his friend's(his bro) house! It was so intense I got a blister on my hand, no joke at all. It was probably the funnest thing I had done in a long time and I wish to do so again but with water balloons. Wish me luck on that for Saturday!

Claymation Project

So I have art class and my last project of the year was to make a claymation.
It's basically an animation made out of a whole bunch of pictures you put together of clay moving around.

I ended up being in a group with three guys, you can already imagine what happens when you're the only girl. Yep, that's right you have to do most of the work. Not that they were bad group members but they talked most of the time and I can say that's the part I hated the most. GET TO WORK PEOPLE.! We ended up doing a Pokemon battle between Pikachu and Darumaka. (Don't ask me who Darumaka is because I don't know). It was actually really short and ended up being only 20 seconds long. Let me just say that I learned so much from doing this for the first time. It was terrible! I had to get all the pictures and edit some and then put them all together in to a movie with audio.

The hardest part is taking the pictures because the clay moves so much and the background we had was quite small. I hated doing this with the small clay figurines we had made. We made them so small so it was so hard to give them expressions and such. I learned to not make them as small if I ever want to do another one again. Which I probably will knowing myself.

As for the grade, I'm pretty sure we'll pass even though the video didn't end up so good itself. I made it but I feel it needed something more to it and there's not really much I can add to that when I don't know how to edit videos. I think I'll prefer working alone next time before I get blamed for something else I'm positive I stated.

Graduation Invitation

Graduation is right around the corner and I'm just sitting here like... yay, no more friends!

A lot has happened since that argument I had with my mother. I had an argument with a friend as well quite some time ago now. I feel like I find a way to make people mad at me somehow and I hate that I never know how. So basically the fact that I have almost no friends is obvious and I'm a complicated loser. Hmm not a good thing when it comes to graduation. 

Since I have no friends that are not graduating with me I didn't buy any graduation invitations. Well, my boyfriends mother gave me one in order to give to my church because she said they sometimes give you money especially if you go every Sunday to church like me. I felt guilty though because if I know one thing is that I want to give this invitation to someone who will actually come and cheer for me at graduation. I don't want it to be for money or a present. In the end I decided not to since I'm not really close to the people from the church like my mom is. I have one invitation and have no one to give it to who is not already going. Man I feel like a complete bum. Lame! I wish I had someone to talk to about all this and how alone I actually feel. I can't blame my friends though, I haven't even told them about this blog! Not like they would find out though, I haven't even made it public. I'm so scared of judgement that I'm just writing ideas now and I seriously have nothing else to do in my life but practice. Practice on all the things there are to learn in life...including this.

More than half my friends are moving elsewhere right after graduation so I'm positively sure I won't ever see them again. Maybe. Unless I go to our high school reunion and they go as well. Oh by the way, have I stated that the latest book I've read was "Prom Anonymous"? I loved it!!! It's so cute, has a lot of teenage life going on and it's just so exciting to read when you're in high school! It makes you laugh at the things that go on and anticipate the ending. 

Burping

Wow, I can imagine what you're thinking. You're thinking why in the world would I even make a whole blog post on burping. Well, let me just say that if you're one of those people who burps on the daily you are really lucky. Seriously, you have no idea how lucky you are.

Yes I know it sounds crazy but people who don't burp do exist and I just happened to be one of them. Some people don't burp ever in their lifetime and some burp every now and then like me. I've burped before...I mean it's usually very faint, but it still counts! It's quite annoying not being able to burp because most of the time my stomach hurts because it tried to let air out and couldn't. The replacement for these burps are more like small gurgles that stop right before reaching the throat. They're actually quite loud most of the time and my boyfriend always laughs at it. *cough, cough* Just plain evil. Well, he thinks it's cute but he knows it hurts sometimes.

Let's just say it's not so easy to let go of gasses trapped in your body, I mean it has to come out from some end right? Sorry if it sounds quite gross but these kind of things have never really offended me. I playfully say "eww" every time I hear my boyfriend burp and he just laughs because he knows I don't mean it. I wouldn't really find it offensive no matter what kind of human being I was, isn't it normal? An everyday task every human being does? If you're a human being that does not do such normal tasks every day please comment whether you believe it's gross or not for cat information purposes.

Today's blog post was inspired by my pain, isn't that great? Hope this piece of information was useful. It was a lesson that there are really weird facts out there in the world we yet do not know. Oh and weird facts are the best. Just saying.

Friends there or not?

Today's post isn't going to be about my life and how I need help again. *whew* Although it did involve me it's going to be directed to my fellow equals (everyone).

I consider myself as an equal to everyone else since I don't believe in anyone being better than any other individual. That's just the way I am you know? Unless you completely find a way for me to not like you, which is really hard to do.

Well first the story or event that inspired me to do this... which happened today.

My boyfriend and I were standing outside of the campus like usual, waiting for our bus to show up and us to run toward it to try and get a seat. The bus appeared and my boyfriend and I just ended up being pretty close to it this time since it's unpredictable where it stops. I was close the door and the gentleman that happens to be my boyfriend is shielding me from all these people that are running to the bus. Right before getting on the stairs all the "thug" African-American guys came towards us and tried to push my boyfriend off which made me almost hit the door. This ended up making my boyfriend mad at which he defended me saying, "damn chill bruh." Well that's all it took for them to threaten my boyfriend with beating him up and stuff and talking crap. I had to calm down my boyfriend so he wouldn't end up doing something he'd regret...like hitting an idiot and getting suspended for it.

There was no reason for them to react that way. First of all, I hate fights. I just think that things can get fixed in a different manner and if not then there should just be a 1 on 1 type of fight. Which indeed is really hard to find nowadays. I'm getting really tired of them acting like they own the place so I need ideas of what I can do to get more authority over them. I want a collaboration of people getting together to plan something to do with these guys to teach them a lesson. No hurting either. I know that's what people want but sadly we can't do that. What I've realized so far, however, is that friends aren't always there for you. What I have noticed is that they're always there for you whenever there's a big group of people there for you because they don't want to be excluded. Which is proof enough to me that maybe something can be done if there's a get together. Not literally, but you know what I mean. So, is anyone willing to help in some sort of way?

Is there something to do? Expressing our ideas is the best way to get together and debate on what we should do and not what we should have done. Sometimes the ugliest things makes the most exquisite images, and I want to bring a good image to many people who suffer.

By the way, has anyone read any good manga recently? A good book recommendation? I've been dying to find something really interesting to get my hands on for the summer. *Gasp*. The truth has come out of me being a total bookworm! That's not the only secret out there but everything will come out eventually, right?

Help is Almost Never There

School isn't really a slice of pie.

Thugs, gangsters, bullies, idiots, all want to be's in the end are everything a high school consists of. Not necessarily a very bad thing to others but it can be really important to an individual. If someone came up to you for help, would you try your best to help this person?

Many wouldn't, why? Because they don't have the time to help. Do you know how many kids go home hating to wake up and have to go to school every morning? Too many. Is help always there for them? No, and to be honest people are always saying that they are weak because they don't stand up for themselves. Well, I know people have said that to me. Let's think about it though. I'm not strong, I don't have many friends, and no one would really help me if I needed it. So before you tell someone that, take it from their perspective. I know that defending myself would probably cause for me to end up getting jumped, which would be a lot worse. I'm not an idiot though and I know that something must be done in order for this to stop happening.

Recently I took a personality quiz online and to be honest it was pretty exact. I ended being the logician. Basically I plan the act before I do it to make sure it works perfectly. Everyday it's a fight to get on my bus. Thank god I have a wonderful boyfriend who saves me a seat and when he can he lets me on the bus first. Problem is that there's this group of African-American guys who push everyone including girls out of their way in order to get on which is so rude. They always end up being the first ones to get on and are always starting a mess on the bus. Just about a week and a half ago about five of those guys got on a fight on top of the bus. What did the bus driver do? Absolutely nothing. I hate that too. You're and adult and you can't stop these kids from acting up? At least think of something. Not only are they always in fights but they also always smoke, and I hate the smell of that crap.
Worst part is, the windows on the front don't even open. They're broken!
It's to the point where someone broke a pencil in half in order to keep the window closed, it's just jammed in there.

It's ridiculous because we can't even open the windows when we want to because the smell is so bad.
Best idea I had in order to help somehow in this situation was to record what was being said on the bus. Usually the guys don't hide it at all, and usually no one tries to stop it like always. That recording could be sent to head of the district in order to finally get the word out there that the security of the students is horrible.

Just today there was about three fights outside of the building before leaving campus. Wow, I can't believe that people actually resort to that nowadays. A thing girls and guys need to learn is that there's always going to be someone talking sh*t on them. The only way to show them it isn't good is by bringing it back at them. Think about it, debate about it. Question them: would they like it if you were always talking mess on them? Of course they wouldn't and then they would just end up saying, "but I'd beat your a** if you did!" That's when you pull out the, "you're basically saying you're just like me," card. I think it's pathetic that someone would go down to that level.

Make a difference, if you see someone getting bullied, help him. Defend them. I remember a story my brother told me about his high school experience that I thought was pretty great. It went like this:

"One day we were sitting calmly at breakfast doing our usual crazy stuff and talking about video games. We're always trying to make each other laugh so hard our milk comes out through our noses and this day an African-American ended up getting mad with one of my friends for accidentally bumping into him. My friend said excuse me and told the guy that he was ridiculous for making it a big deal because he wanted to fight. The guy didn't back off so my friend got ready to fight back and defend himself. When the guy's friends saw my friend ready to fight they all got up ready to jump him. So guess what we did? We all got up as well. It was more of us than there was of him so they were smart enough to sit back down. The guy who brought up the argument noticed his friends wouldn't jump in because it was so many of them so he decided to "let it slide." It was such a great and funny experience"

That's the kind of power I'd love to see most often. The power to help when someones in trouble. The power that a majority actually took as an advantage. Wish that would happen most often at my school.

Happy Mother's Day!

Day four, everything is slowly coming back... like it always does.

Today is mother's day and because of the whole argument we had I had not gotten her a present. What was I supposed to do? I had no money and I'm always giving her drawings and such that I end up not seeing in years. So what could I do that would end up seen? That she would recognize? So yesterday I got to work at about 5:00 or 6:00 PM. Pretty late to start on a gift but at least I had the right intentions.

Butterflies is a must have of my mother. There is nothing more she loves than butterflies. Ever since I could remember that she loved them I would just draw and draw and draw them so more. Let's just say butterflies were never my strong point. They just didn't end up looking so much like butterflies or how I wanted them to be.

I guess that's what I love about my mother, she doesn't mind how bad the drawing is as long as she knows you put the effort in.

But this time I didn't do a drawing. I've lost my sketchbook and I didn't want to do a drawing on flimsy copy paper, that's cheap of me. She wouldn't have minded it but I wanted it to be a bit more special. I remember that I had an empty canvas somewhere in my room and searched for it. Then I spied it on my bunk bed on the top area. I grabbed it and got to work. I went on google for inspiration and ended finding a really nice picture that inspired me for my work. No they are not the same, but similar.

The painting consists of a blueish purple background with two pink flowers and an orange butterfly. All is in watercolor which I must say I'm pretty bad at. I ended up finishing it at around 9:54 PM. I put a sticky note on it saying "Happy mother's day" in Spanish. Then I put it on the stove because I know that's the first place my mom goes to in the morning.

She loved it, gave me a hug, and hung it up first thing in the morning. It made me happy.

There's nothing better than feeling the love of a mother, so I want to thank all the mother's out there because they deserve it.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Opening the Curtain

Third day today and I feel like crap.

Everyone else is having fun while I'm sitting here doing nothing. Absolutely nothing, well except for blogging this which counts as nothing since I doubt anyone reads this. My day is more boring than being in line waiting to get a passport. Those are boring.

*Sigh* I guess it was a small payment to pay for all the arguing I'm always doing. I hate doing it but for some strange reason I can't stop myself. I seem to have a conflict with my inner self wherever I go. It's quite complicated actually. I know I have a problem. People wouldn't hate me so darn much if I didn't have one. Problem is no one tries to help me and I'm too scared to help myself. What a dilemma, huh?

There's nothing much that I can do for now except to accept what is given to me. How can I pay something back when it's a gift? A gift should never be payed back right? Well that's how bad it is in my home. I want to pay back everything that's been given to me for the fact that I need it and I use it but it's always rubbed in my face that it is. That's not necessarily a good thing.

Or is it?

I, for a fact, know that I don't feel so good about myself the way I am now. However, I feel relieved that I have had permission to leave once I'm the age of 18. That's what makes me happy. I know that it's not a good thing to be in a feud with everyone in your family so I see it best if I live without them. Of course I love them and will visit them frequently, but I feel that living together is what makes our relationship that much worse. I wish for them the best and for myself. Good luck to me on getting scholarships and getting out of this house!

Alone

Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Day after the big argument...

No one is talking to me still. By no one I mean NO ONE. My mother still hasn't spoken a single word to me. My big brother neither except to give me food which I highly appreciate.  My uncle neither, which is a little harsh. My little brother neither, he's just so focused on playing video games that I'm nonexistent and for once I don't mind. I didn't mind because they let me be.

I feel okay as long as I'm secluded from the rest. I feel safer alone. For some reason I just want to walk out to jog in the mornings or something but I know I can't because my mother wouldn't allow that. I'm safe here in front of my laptop watching anime or movies.

I'm okay...

I'm okay because I have no one to hurt here. It's true, I guess I always end up hurting someone when I walk out of this room and I don't like it. I like it here. I like it here when I'm happy and dancing crazily around my room or working out because I feel fat. I'm safe here because in here I know my limits are given to me. I know not to leave this place or things will go downhill. Sources? Everyday.

It's not a new thing and I will never treat it as if it were. I hope this habit or lifestyle of mines doesn't become a hazard to my beautiful relationship with my boyfriend. He's never done something to hurt me. I would never want to hurt him. I don't want to. I would hate to lose him too...

Spying for Hate

My graduation gown came in today. I was excited because it's like the symbol of what's to come in my future after my high school life. It's scary and makes me anxious because no matter where I go I don't seem to adapt to the environment. It's like the environment is always suffocating me somehow and I can't let it go because I have to live through it.

 This black gown is what I get for finishing twelve years of an accomplishment. I wish I would have had the money to just have taken my school classes online or at home in my room. I just got in an argument with my mother. They're always over some stupid stuff like a shirt or an unclean room. Sometimes she starts them, sometimes I do. I believe it keeps us sane. She believes I don't appreciate her.

I wish she would have had another daughter...she would've been happy. I realized after a while that there really wasn't hate for the people that have hurt me throughout the years. I think there's a difference between hate and pain.

I felt tore into pieces when everyone started abandoning me one by one. At first I considered it to be selfish, and I probably still do, but I used to think I hated them. I repeated it at least 5 times a day. Found out I didn't. It just hurt me so much to the point I believed I did. That's when I realized the reason I still felt that way was because I still loved them so much. Because I loved them so much for so many years and that will never fade, and it hurts that they obviously didn't love me the same way.
It hurts like a bitch...

It doesn't matter anymore though. I'm invisible to them and they will never see it.

My strength is people who suffer more than me. I feel like I need to be strong because they're going through more and they need me. I want to thank anyone for going through so much because they have the courage to deal with it everyday. They are strong. They are my strength. I thank them for that because I want to do it for everyone else who hasn't. Because no one ever noticed me. I'm dead to them. My mother has confirmed today that she wants me out the house once i'm 18. I'm holding this as proof in case she ever says she didn't say that. I wish for her the best.