Spying for Hate

My graduation gown came in today. I was excited because it's like the symbol of what's to come in my future after my high school life. It's scary and makes me anxious because no matter where I go I don't seem to adapt to the environment. It's like the environment is always suffocating me somehow and I can't let it go because I have to live through it.

 This black gown is what I get for finishing twelve years of an accomplishment. I wish I would have had the money to just have taken my school classes online or at home in my room. I just got in an argument with my mother. They're always over some stupid stuff like a shirt or an unclean room. Sometimes she starts them, sometimes I do. I believe it keeps us sane. She believes I don't appreciate her.

I wish she would have had another daughter...she would've been happy. I realized after a while that there really wasn't hate for the people that have hurt me throughout the years. I think there's a difference between hate and pain.

I felt tore into pieces when everyone started abandoning me one by one. At first I considered it to be selfish, and I probably still do, but I used to think I hated them. I repeated it at least 5 times a day. Found out I didn't. It just hurt me so much to the point I believed I did. That's when I realized the reason I still felt that way was because I still loved them so much. Because I loved them so much for so many years and that will never fade, and it hurts that they obviously didn't love me the same way.
It hurts like a bitch...

It doesn't matter anymore though. I'm invisible to them and they will never see it.

My strength is people who suffer more than me. I feel like I need to be strong because they're going through more and they need me. I want to thank anyone for going through so much because they have the courage to deal with it everyday. They are strong. They are my strength. I thank them for that because I want to do it for everyone else who hasn't. Because no one ever noticed me. I'm dead to them. My mother has confirmed today that she wants me out the house once i'm 18. I'm holding this as proof in case she ever says she didn't say that. I wish for her the best.